Crime and the Forces of Evil have an alter-ego. I don’t mean our secret identities, or formerly secret identities, I mean our alter-ego as the elfpunk band Mary Kaye and the Cosmetics. The Cosmetics play hardcore on exclusively Hello Kitty branded instruments and have yet to use more than four chords – anywhere. They write songs with titles like “Sick of America,” “Sad Muppet,” and this one, “My Boyfriend.”

There’s also a spoken-word intro on a separate track that explains how it’s actually a song about Bishōjo Senshi Sailor Moonsorta – but with very not worksafe lyrics. The intro is PG rated, tops, but seriously do not play the song at work. Or possibly anywhere. I’ve pasted the intro script below the players; like usual I deviated from it, but it’s close enough.

Yes, that’s a drumkit. No, it’s not a normal rock drumkit, it’s made of bodhrans and djembes and drumsticks and mallets and other random bits. Yes, that’s effectively an electric mandolin overdriven to hell and back, and a heavily filtered and overdriven electric octave mandolin, and, well, you get the idea. If I had something I could turn up to 11 on this song, I said fukkit and turned it up to 12. Enjoy:

So how many of you know what Sailor Moon is? Okay! So! Huge show if you were a girl in the 90s, told the story of the sailor senshi, superhero incarnations of the planets, defending the solar system against threats both extrasolar and extradimensional. A US company bought the rights to the first two series, dubbed ’em, aired them in North America, and it’s a huge hit. So they want more of that, buy the next two series sight unseen and immediately realise they have a problem, or more correctly, two problems.

FIRST: one of the villains is gay. It’s not subtext; it’s a plot point. But being drawn in the fine tradition of bishonen, he’s pretty. VERY pretty. So they look at him and think, “you know… with some edits… and recasting… and new dialogue… we could make him… a her.” And they do. I understand it still airs this way, in English, but I don’t care, I watch Japanese.

But then they have a SECOND problem. We meet three new sailor senshi: Sailors Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto. Uranus and Neptune, both women, are a couple. It’s not subtext. And it’s time to play everybody’s favourite game: LET’S HIDE THE LESBIANS! They look at Sailor Neptune… and go oh god oh god oh god, and so they look at Sailor Uranus and think, “Weeellll… she’s pretty butch… she’s a race car driver in real life… and she’s got short hair and wears pants all the time… maybe we could make her… a him.” I’m told that this actually made it out into the wild before – and I PRAY this is true – someone rang them up them going, “youuuuuu IDIOTS. Do you not know – because your audience certainly knows – that those uniforms they transform into to fight crime are GIRL’S SCHOOL UNIFORMS and YOU have just invented the WORLD’S FIRST TRANSVESTITE SUPERHERO?”

This is about THAT Sailor Uranus, sung by THAT Sailor Neptune, and it’s called, “My Boyfriend.”