While a song is not a documentary, all of these variations actually happened, the first one repeatedly. In none of those moments some people call “ironic” but actually contains no actual irony, I was at a party this weekend hosted by the Agora featuring the Attoparsec Cocktail Engine, and while it was not capable of making a true kamikaze, it was capable of making one of these terrifying variants.

I labelled the programme card for it, “PAIN.”


You can’t get a good kamikaze in Vancouver
2013 Crime and the Forces of Evil
or maybe Mary Kaye and the Cosmetics, it’s that kind of song

Should probably be played with banjo or possibly ukelele
Also tuba. BOMP bomp BOMP bomp BOMP bomp BOMP bomp

You can’t get a good kamikaze in Vancouver
It doesn’t matter where you buy your drinks
You can’t get a good kamikaze in Vancouver
Gods know I’ve tried and every one just stinks

Verse 1:
[on beat] Sometimes they’ll swap out the lime for orange
A trick they learned while serving in the Navy
I should be glad at least it is a citrus
But something I could rhyme would be nice maybe


Verse 2:

The Sheraton Vancouver’s pretty pleasant
Although it’s really really really really really really really really really really far away
The kamikazi served was phosphorescent
That kaiju flavour sticks with you all day


Verse 3:
Le Vent du Nord was playing in Coquitlam
     Spoken: Yeah, I’m gonna rhyme something with Coquitlam. Watch me.
Le Festival du Bois’s a panacea
The drinking at the restaurant left my face numb
A kamikazi’s not a margarita!


Verse 4:
Davie during Pride is made of glitter
Commercial is a starker raving zoo
The kami that they served me was so bitter
The other girls around me bit ‘er too

ar ar ar
But still I tryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…