i have basically implemented a soviet joke
- March 10th, 2016
- Posted in diy . touring equipment
- Write comment
I have basically implemented a very old joke from Poland about Soviet technology:
A Pole waiting at a railroad platform in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two large, heavy suitcases, and asks the fellow if he what time it is.
“Certainly,” says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. “It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising.”
The Polish visitor is astounded, and asks if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. “Not at all,” says the man, indignantly. “It is a product of the latest in Soviet technology!”
“Well!” says the Pole, impressed. “That is wonderful, you are to be congratulated!”
“Thank you,” the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases as the train arrives. “But I’ll admit, these batteries are still a little heavy.”
To wit, these self-powered iPod speakers:

iPhone compatible
Okay, they are obviously not actually generally for use as iPod speakers. They’re the stage monitors I’ve been working on occasionally for the last few months, but they are now both rebuilt to be self-powered! They have 50-watt Class T amplifiers built-in, as well as power converters for line voltage. I knew all those spare computer power cables would come in handy eventually.
I did not, despite temptation, add Bluetooth. But I could.
Now it’s time for some burn-in. Hopefully, I’m almost done! 😀
eta: Well, hell, the new amp’s channel 1 got noisy after a couple of hours and stayed that way. channel 2 is clean so far – all of these boards are dual-channel – let’s hope it’s good.
eta2: So far, so good: WE’RE BURNINATING THE AMPLIFY (video with sound)
eta3: With this speaker, they apparently originally tried to put the panel right behind the tweeter horn, where nothing could be inserted. Then they moved it and patched the hole with plywood. I just made it one big panel, with a big blank area.


This post is part of a series on restoring infamous vintage stage monitors. Spoiler: they made good, in the end.
3 non-echoing comments on Facebook, 6 comments on Tsu.
@solarbirdy You are among the most impressive people I’ve ever been privileged to know in person. #respect
@TheCorrection Well, gawrsh! Thanks! <3
I am going to use this opportunity to tell Soviet Russia jokes. In Czechoslovakia, after the brutal stomp by the Warsaw Pact on the Prague Spring of 1968, there was a joke on pirate radio. “What is the natural way for Soviet tanks to depart from Czechoslovakia? Answer: The natural way is for the Archangel Michael to swoop down from Heaven and remove them. The *super*natural way is for them to leave under their own power.”
Aheh. Yeaaaaaaaaaah.
If anyone’s interested in more of these, if you search for the important parts of my joke, you’ll find it on collection pages of jokes from Poland of the era.
Anyone following the DIY part of this post – I’ve added an eta. One of the channels on the new amp board went noisy on me. This is why you burn things in. Audio and (unrelated) new panels pics at the link above.
How are they self-powered? What power source are you using?
Self-powered in this context means onboard amplifier. They plug in indivdually.
Oh OK 🙂 I was just imagining them with a Tesla Powerwall battery in there or something! Ultimate beach party speaker, especially if you add Bluetooth! 😀
DON’T THINK I’M NOT TEMPTED BECAUSE I COULD DO IT. It runs on 24v DC internally and that’d be easy with standard lead-acid batteries, like UPSes use.
But, you know, it’s already fuckoff heavy. LET’S MAKE IT WORSE OK! XD
“Lift my speakers! FEEL THE BURN!” 😀
[…] i have basically implemented a soviet joke | Crime and the Blog of Evil […]
i have basically implemented a soviet joke | Crime and the Blog of Evil https://t.co/k6eIvsX72f